one week one week one week

One more week of school.

Dead week is so weird. Everyone looks like tired zombies.

When did neon clothes become popular again?

Why are the janitors fighting!? Usually they are so friendly.

PB&Js are so filling. It's probably the bread.

I just saw a group of girls walk by with really straightened down hair. Why can't I ever get my hair to do this? Maybe you have to be blonde.

There go the janitors again. Maybe they are joke-fighting.

I'm going to learn 'The Way I Am' on the guitar as soon as I get back home.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -e.e. cummings

Man, how good is this quote. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I actually did this. There are so many things that I do (and even more so, don't do) because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird. I mean, I've taken Intro to Sociology, and I really do believe that we are all trying to act within these larger narratives, but I feel like mine is a tight-rope. I have no room to be creative and special, because my 'story' is so tight and I'm so afraid to fall.

What would my life look like if instead of a tight-rope I had a whole road? Better, I think. I'd smile at people walking who look sad, because I really love when people do that for me. (Side Note: I must look depressed a lot because this happens to me at least once a day.) I'd also like to wear whatever I want, sing out loud, and I'd like to stop pretending that I'm not passionate about stuff.

But why is this so hard? Is it because we judge people who break societal rules so harshly, that we're petrified of breaking them ourselves? But on the other hand, how is it that we can admire genius and creativity so much but give ourselves so little room to explore it in our own lives?

I've realized recently that I have a hard time with criticism. And the reason is because I don't know who I am yet. I base my identity on little snippets of comments that people make about me. But I can't try to figure out Madison until I give myself some ROOM.

So watch out. Room is about to be made. Overarching goal for next year: Stop being afraid.

Time to stop eating like a heavy set frat boy

So lately, I haven't been eating so well.

Like today...I had two kolaches, a pb&j, a Dr. Pepper and a roll of frozen Rolos. And this was a chaser for Saturday...when I ate half a pizza. HALF A DAMN PIZZA, and maybe a Shiner.

So that's not okay, and my body is cursing me with headaches and sleepiness, which I have not only ignored, but elevated by refusing to wear my glasses.

This really just is not okay. As much as I love a good taco, I can no longer eat like Bridget Jones and expect to feel good in the mornings. I consumed an entire box of SnackWell cookies you guys. That is the opposite of Snacking Well. That is snacking horribly, horribly wrong.

So starting tomorrow (because of the Rolos incident...but seriously frozen rolos are heavenly..)I'm going to start eating better. It isn't a diet. It's a 'your body can't take any more riboflavins-iet.'

I also want arm muscles so I'm going to start working out too. Probably not really but if you see me with a damn taco in my hand please slap it out and when I look at you with tears in my eyes, coldly say "It's for your own good nerd..." and walk away.

Focus...Steady...Concentrate!

When I was in 6th or 7th grade my parents bought my little sister this Harry Potter game that was actually really cool. You had to get this ball that was pushed up and 'levitating' by air through all of these hoops by adjusting the air stream. Anyway, the game would always say 'FOCUS....STEADY....CONCENTRATE!!!" and this has been a family mantra ever since then.

Right now those words repeat over and over in my head as I try to study for my CSD midterm, but it is really hard. I have so much work to do but all I want to do is sleep! I think this is what they call burn-out, but I'm not really tired of learning, just tired of studying. I pretty much wish all day for a Dr. Pepper and nap. Things which do not operate well together.

Blog Fail

What an abject failure I have been so far on my Austin goals. I just realized I have only heard the word abject directly before failure so I don't know what it means so I'm going to look it up.

1 : sunk to or existing in a low state or condition to lowest pitch of abject fortune thou art fallen — John Milton

Oh.

Anyway so I've been living a life of squalor, consisting on multiple Dr. Peppers, watching Real Housewives of New York City and going to NON LOCAL FOOD EATERIES. It really is shocking how little will I have.

Part of it that might be this hellish week, but it's amazing how even when you think everything is horrible God is still good. It's kind of like finally going to sleep after a long day. All day you know that the bed is waiting for you to finally let go and crash, but until you take the time to actually enjoy the peace you don't realize how great it is.

Successful metaphor? I'm not sure, but it works for me this morning anyway.

So what have I accomplished in the last week?

36. don't say no to things just because I'm mentally tired. you can get over that pretty quick with good company.

I've been doing this one pretty well. To my own detriment actually because as great as hanging out IS at 2:00 am, it hurts the next morning. I realize this is the statement of a 35 year old mother of 3 but whatever I have early classes.

54. use bed only for sleeping (no homework, no watching movies, no coloring...JUST SLEEPING)

I've been pretty successful at this sucker too. Seriously it really does make a difference. When you only use your bed for sleeping it really helps tell your body that it should be tired and not wired from all the caffeine you consumed during the day. Maybe that's psychosomatic (guess spelling on that and I'm not looking it up so deal with it, Cate Blanchett.)

So hey there are two things, but for the next week I'm going to work on these guys:

43. learn how to pray for people better
44. pay taxes this year because I actually had a real income

So that's the plan. Man these entries are long but I like writing.

Ooh. Also I need to find summer housing. So three goals.

This is the blog that isn't about autism

I just realized that I put a post about Autism Speaks on here when that goes on my class blog. That was dumb, but not that it matters cause I haven't told anyone the address of this.

Part of this little brain poop is no doubt a result of me being utterly exhausted. I'm running on about 8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, which is no one's fault but my own.

Usually my brain feels like this in the mornings


But lately is has started to feel like this in the mornings



I know for sure that I'm sleep deprived cause I just got a little teary eyed at that 'freckles in our eyes are aligned' line in that one Death Cab for Cutie song. Death Cab for Cutie sucks. What am I thinking. Next thing you know I'll be enjoying 'The Notebook' just like a real girl.

I haven't done anything else on my list, in fact I've accumulated negative points by watching reality tv, drinking multiple sodas and not taking time to read the Bible. Looks like I have stuff to work on, but first I need to get rid of oatmeal brain and stop listening to cheesy alterna-pop.

Weary brain

It is late March and post Spring Break. It is at this time, each year, that I look at my life and consider its value, asking myself important questions. Such as:

Are you studying enough?
Are PB&J sandwiches okay for lunch and dinner?
Do you own clothing that is not a) jeans b) t-shirts?
Is Wizards of Waverly Place the best thing you can do with your time at 3:00 am?
Do you base your self value solely on how much harder you work than everyone else, and in that case when you fail to work above and beyond your peers does your self value deflate so rapidly that you begin to wonder if anything you do is important?

So...mostly the last one actually. Although I could mix up my wardrobe a little better.

The problem with me is that when I feel I am struggling with classes or work, I take on more because surely the problem is too much free time. Well. That's wrong. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a culture class that is shaking nervously in my schedule, contemplating life after Q-drop.

Can someone please remind me that I don't have to be perfect all the time? In fact, cosmically and spiritually and historically someone has taken care of that for me? Hey Madison, you don't have to be perfect, because I was for you, and that's sort of what next Sunday is all about? Maybe?

Well. We'll see what happens, maybe that class will live to be struggled with another day. In other news, I might get to be the DSACT's new social media volunteer. Because when you Q-drop something you got to add another thing in order to keep balance of barely staying above water.

(PS Ate at Torchy's today, local, cheap, tasty)